True Story

I just finished taking the dog for a nightly walk. We are in our usual spot. The only grass spot in the entire apartment complex, minding our own business. I can here the footsteps approaching, so I leash the dog and wait til they pass.

There is a tall skinny white dude and a short Asian girl. From the way they are walking I assume they are a couple. She's caring a Dunkin' Donuts coffee in her hands. Dude is rocking pajamas. Looks like they are heading out for 4th meal. I unleash to the dog to handle business.

For some strange reason I decide to keep watching them. Like clock work I watch her trip and then fall start to fall. She tries to grab ahold of herself but bounces in between cars and then splat (Note to self: Don't park there.). She went dinging like a ball in a pinball machine. The dude tried to grab her before she ate it, but his reaction time was too slow. She appeared to be okay. Just a little coffee here and there. I wish I would've had my camera. I would've got a picture of the coffee cup and spill for you.

Lesson Learned: Drop the coffee, you can always buy another one.

Below are some pics from this past weekend. Hope everyone had a joyous Christmas.

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Joke of the Day/Cover

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The damn clock always was slow."

It's slow day around camp. Saw this video and thought that I would share it with you. Pics from this weekend up tomorrow.

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Your To-Do List

Are you frustrated with Christmas shopping?
Are your relatives getting on your nerves?
Do your curtains match the drapes?
Is your favorite team the Detroit Lions?
Are you tired?
Have you ever regifted something?
Is it wrong to laugh at the Iraqi shoe thrower?
Will you be flying anywhere during the holidays?

Are you worried about putting on weight for the holidays?
Are you single?
Are you wondering like I'm wondering about if man evolved from monkey and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions I have a couple of solutions for you.

Slow Down
Are you or your thoughts racing.? Are you shuffling through all your to-do lists? Turn off the television, and your iPod, and that favorite Christmas CD. Sit down take a load off, take a deep breath, and then slowly exhale. Just "be" for a second. Focus on the air coming through your nose, causing your chest to rise and your belly to swell. Let it out slowly. Keep it up until you have found your center.

Grab a Hot Chocolate
Just sip 'em until you get a stomach ache. It'll at least take your mind off your worries.

Winter Walk
Brave the cold. Put on your coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and take a walk. It easy to think of this time of year as dead, but once you are out in the world taking stock of nature or your neighborhood, you might find there's a lot to captivate your attention.

Take it easy folks.
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I Did it!

I did it all on my own. Saturdays don't get much better than this. If there is an end of the year "Dummy Awards", I should sweep all categories.
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Sliding Memory

A couple days ago I was over at Moe's blog. He had a post about things that he missed. Some of the things he could probably get back with a little effort and others were practically out of his reach.

While leaving the grocery store I had a "things I miss moment", in the parking lot. After sacking the groceries I decided to push the cart at full speed like any other testosterone filled man would do. I just wanted to return the cart to the cart return in style. Show the other people putting groceries into their car how cool I still was.

One problem. It snowed the day before and the parking lot was covered in a thin sheet of ice. I guess my gym shoes are only made for running around the track at the gym. They were pretty worthless when it came to stopping the cart. As I slide in the direction of the cart return I felt gravity yank really on hood of my hoodie and down I went. Right on my ass. I wasn't even smart enough to let go of the cart. I held onto the cart as I went down. Luckily my arms worked that day and I didn't get smashed in the face by the cart.

I could feel the pain rushing all over. I had my gym pants on. The cold had made its way through to my underwear. Those adolescent years of peeing in the bed came rushing back. I sprung to my feet and to my surprise no one had saw. Just me, the cart, the ice and the still of the night knew what just happened to me.

Moe asked the question, "You miss anything?". The answer is yes! F!ck yea!

I missed the days when I could fall, lose a tooth, fall out of a tree, never get found in "Hide and Seek", crack my head open, get into a fight and still manage to get back in there without missing a beat.

Now it does work that way. My ass, legs and lower back are killing me right now. I almost cried it hurt so bad. I had to talk myself down. I wanted to go and yell at those people because in the back of my mind I know they saw me fall. I needed my boo-boo kissed.

So thanks Moe for sending me down memory lane. My aging body appreciates it.

A little Friday humor:

I've been saying this for years now that people with cats are crazy.
"This is not a photo shop trick. There aren’t any imaginateers at Pixar that can create this shit. Just when you thought you were having a less than stellar day in the hair department, tah dah. I suggest that everybody print this shit out and stick it in the corner of their bathroom mirrors. We may not always like what we see in it but clap your hands and tell Jesus thank you that you didn’t get dealt these fucking cards."

The caption came with it. Enjoy.

Snow in Vegas

There are some pretty unusual sites in the Las Vegas. But snow on palm trees stole the show.

It's "RARE", but it happened. Snowfall has blanketed Las Vegas, causing a lot of commotion. Cancelling all flights in and out of the city, snarling traffic and dusting palm trees and marquees along the Strip and neighborhoods.

Most of the time you have to travel to the mountains to see the snow or take a trip back to WA, and now I don't have to. I have my fix for now at least. I kept sticking my tongue out to catch snowflakes outside just to make sure it was real. The dog had a blast running around too.

Tourists and locals handed off cameras, taking turns snapping pictures for posterity.

If you have received any snow from Santa yet, it still might be coming.
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Pooped & Pissed

If someone would've told me the smell from the homeless guy in the grocery store would haunt me in my dreams last night, I would've laughed in their face.

I can't really recall what I was dreaming about last night. All I know is that I woke up to paws in my face. I kind of scared the crap out of me. I jump up and threw the covers off me and this horrible smell embodied the entire room. I want to hurl. The first thing that runs through my mind is a flashback to the homeless guy that was grocery shopping. The second thing is what kind of horrible crap is my roommate microwaving(He doesn't cook, but he microwaves everything.) at this time in the morning.

In the back of my mind I knew what the smell was. I just didn't want it to be true. Dogs usually pant in the night for a couple of reason. None of which you want to be awaken for. If you haven't guessed it already by the title, I spent the night cleaning up poop. Not once, not twice, but three times. The later included pee.

So now I'm nursing a sick dog, cleaning like a mad man and trying to enjoy the snow outside. It's Vegas people and we got snow for Christmas. Who knew?

I hope all is well in the blogoshphere. Off to get some more cleaning products and some hot chocolate.
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My Gym Partner's a Monkey

First of all, let me just say that I spend entirely too much time at the gym. Secondly, if you're going to the gym and working up a sweat, you have a right to look as bad as you want. If you run farther or lift better wearing your old short shorts, that's fine. I am a big believer in hitting the gym to work out, not trying to win a fashion contest.

However, maybe you're meeting an old friend there (or hoping to meet that cute girl/guy in your spinning class), and you want to look your best. Or, perhaps you just like to look good no matter what you're doing. I don't find that there's nothing wrong with that either, but my gym buddy does.

For the sake that one day he happens to read this we will call the dude, Jake Spidermonkey(If you have kids you might know this one.). I meet the dude a few weeks back after he dropped a 45 pound weight on my my back. I was 2 seconds away from losing it, but didn't for some reason. There is something about having the police called on you and being hauled off in front of the couple hundred people at the gym that makes you second guess your choices. I guess the old man in me was present that day. Long story short we became workout partners.

So me and Spidermonkey work out probably twice a week together, sometimes three times a week and every workout session is some sort of an adventure. I seem to be drawn to loud and sometimes quirky people, but I'm thinking I should've continued working out by myself. Some of the stuff that comes out the dude's mouth is just down right foul. Not to mention his inside voice is always some where outside.

He spends a lot of time making fun of the guys who do their hair and the girls wearing makeup, which doesn't make since because his old lady is caked in makeup too. Yesterday dude seemed to have a problem with just about everyone, but the one thing that kept coming out his mouth was, "I'm dead serious.".

Dead serious!? Can anyone tell me what's the origin of the term "dead serious"? I've never really gotten the phrase "dead serious". What exactly is it supposed to mean? You're so dead, it's serious? Or that you're so serious, you're dead? Dead is used in a vast number of figurative senses, some of which make sense and some of which are a bit more obscure. Obscure as in "dead perfect," "dead broke," "dead tired," and "dead drunk".

It's not that serious of a question. I just wanted to know if anyone knew where and why we came to put "dead" in front of words.

Spidermonkey didn't know either, said it just sounds right. I wonder if he would've had and answer if I ask him about his girlfriend wearing makeup. Another day, another time.
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This "Buds" 4 U

I played catch up this weekend on everyone's blog. I came across some that were pretty uplifting and down right too adorable for words. On the flip side I came across some that the complete opposite, but there was one that got under my skin. I'm not sure why, but it did for some reason. I will not point fingers or even give a blog link to this said blog entry. I will merely address it and leave it alone.

Here goes. Below is a snippet of the blog entry that set me off Saturday morning.

"She owns 29 sets of Victoria's Secret bras with matching thongs or V strings. We didn't even count the non Victoria's Secret ones. She owns every color you can imagine. She actually has a big drawer for her bras and a separate big drawer for her panties."

I'm all for matching panties and bras. Hell, I don't care if they match as long as you had some accessible to you when needed. What I don't like is reading about them. I'm a visual man. I like to see them just like the next man and when I say that I like to see them that's just what I mean.

I don't want to see them laid out on the bed, in a drawer, held up by your accomplice, on hangers, in a pile on the floor, on my head or even on display at a store. I want to see them for what they are used for. They better be connected to some sort of flesh, because that's the whole purpose for them anyways or am I wrong here? I think not.

Really there is only one time I want to see panties in bras and that's when they are on the floor after me ripping them off of you. I literally mean ripping them. If you have good ones, I travel with scissors too. I know what some of you women are thinking.

"Oh, Hell no he didn't just say!".
"I wish someone would rip of my expensive bra and panties!"
"Kiss my ass!" (No one does it says it like Whitney Houston)
"Wait til you go to sleep tonight."
"Jails not that bad."
"He's kinky!"

With all the reactions out of the way, I'm only keeping it real for the time being. Maybe when I'm in my pudding state it will be okay just to see them in any form. Until I can't muster up enough energy to get out my wheel chair the save to sex-ed faux picture show for junior high.

Shoutouts to Mars, Mo and the "guy" who created Victoria secret.

I know some of you are also thinking what the hell does the title and pictures have to do with this post. People love to see a cute little baby. Nothing screams life like a baby. People love puppies with all there heart. Nothing screams cute like the playfulness of a new puppy. And people also love to see beer for some reason. Usually its connected to a drunk dude/chic. Nothing says a good time like an alcoholic beverage, my choice is Michelob Ultra. Those are three things that people love to see and seem to be consumed with, so if you are mad at me after this post just revisit the pictures at the top.
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Jizz in my Pants

It's going to hopefully be a quiet weekend around here or at least that's what I'm planning. I'm going to catch me a movie tonight and definitely grab myself a few beers afterwards. Hope all is well out there.

Here is some Friday Funny.

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Been Awhile/Just Friends

It's been sometime since I put up a post, so I decided to come by and write a little about what was on my mind. I'll try to put up some recent pictures and talk a little more about what going on with me. Until I get that post completed I decided to talk about something that recently happened to me. While catching up with an "old" friend it came up in conversation too so I decided to talk about this today. What do you do when someone says to you, "I just want to be friends."?

I'm sure a flurry of things start to run through your head when you hear this. Maybe some tears start to flow. Something might even get thrown. In this day and age anything is possible. Who knows? Do you?

If you are the person getting the news:

What did I do to make this happen?! Will I be able to just his or her friend? F!ck you, buddy!

If you are the person delivering the news:

Is this the right choice? The biggest question is "What to do?".

Recently I've been hanging out with this chic. Nothing too serious. Just casually dating and feeling each other out, but during the course of feeling her out I've come to the decision that we would make better friends than lovers.I'm sure you're thinking that things like this happen and I'm quite sure they do, but just not to me. I'm 99.9% sure that she is way more into me than I'm into her and that's where the complication begins. The other problem is she works for one of the urban radio stations here in town. The last thing I want is to be put on "blast" during her shift on air.

Can you be just the person's friend and talk to them occasionally?Can this work?

Chances are not but for some it's worth trying because maybe you will be one of the few that can handle this situation. I just don't want her holding on with the hopes of getting together,setting herself up for lots of pain. I rarely ever change my mind. That's why I think it's important to tell the her that we cannot talk to for awhile. If the she gets upset...oh well. You need to take care of me. Is it wrong?

I don't want to stay with her you knowing my feelings have changed. I guess I'm overall concerned about finding the best way to tell her.