I'm A Dick and I Know It!

Just ask my roommate, he'll tell you like it is.

One of my roommates is at work, but the "other" one is at home with me and it makes my skin crawl. He's downstairs watching T.V. during the time he knows that I like to catch up on all the things I've DVR'd all day.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I'm up blogging with all the lights on in the house. My iTunes are blaring from the computer and every once in a while I get the dog riled up just enough to get a couple of loud barks. Just so I can piss him off and cause some kind of confrontation. I thought I was cured from these kind of aggressions, but I was wrong.

Most of you are thinking what a dick Ace is. Just so you don't feel alone I'm feeling the same way about myself.

I know you're also thinking why would someone want to do a thing like this to a person that they live with. I have only one answer for you, "Because he deserves it!". When I say deserve, I really mean it. I have so much more in store for him over the next 2 months. I've been waiting to unleash my wrath for about 5 months. My containment has hit the roof and it's overflowing with revenge, hate and deceit.

This is not a just because thing. I have proper cause. Let me run down a few things that he does to get under my skin. Keep in mind I'm mildly OCD. I'm at a medium. Fuck it!, I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I have it and I have it bad. That's another post for another day. Let me get on with the story.

Below are a list of things that I've had to endure over the last 5 months.


He is a food bandit. He constantly sneaks and eats my food without asking. After I gave him a stern warning about doing so he has neglected to listen to me. Now it's almost like he is calling me out. Warning. If I leave my favorite food out and I know you are going to eat it; to be safe you better pass on eating it.

He never washes his dishes or anyone elses dishes for that matter. He leaves them all on the counter for me and the other roommate to put in the dishwasher. When he does decide to put his dishes away, he fails to take the clean dishes out. He adds the dirty dishes in. Go figure, huh!?

He constantly comes in the house at 3 am stumbling into things and slamming doors. Don't get me wrong, I have my drunken nights too. I take my Jack-N-Da-Crack, grab my dog and we grub in my room and then fall asleep. Sometimes I make it the bed, sometimes I don't and sometimes I wake up with a hand full of ketchup. Sometimes I spill the drink and have flashbacks of bed wetting. TMI folk, TMI!

He plays World of Warcraft at 7 am.

He plays World of Warcraft on Tuesdays and Saturdays with his friends from Minnesota. Doesn't seem that bad, huh?. Wrong. When they all connect he has the speakers blaring and the whole neighborhood can hear the strategies of the game. He has headphones, he chooses not to use them.

He plays World of Warcraft in the middle of the night and then sleeps during the day.

He leaves a weeks worth of pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, soda cans, tissues and numerous other things laying around the computer area. That would be fine and dandy if it belonged to him. It belongs to our other roommate, who refuses to use it now because of all the chaos he leaves around the desk.

His room smells like ass and it seeps out into our rooms. I tried using generic candles, but the smell overpowers it. Thank God for Pier 1 candles. There goes my savings plan.

He has a habit of getting things out of the cabinets and leaving them open. I'm thinking about making them spring activated. It takes like a second to close them after you're done.

He pretends to be on a diet. There is nothing worse than a person pretending to be on a diet. Eventually everyone will catch on. The only way for this to work is to actually lose weight. He's gaining weight. The fast food wrappers around the computer and stuffed at the bottom of the trash don't help either.

He never takes out the trash. I was gone for almost a week and the trash was still in the kitchen. When the lid doesn't close that's a sign that the trash needs to be taken out. I guess that logic has passed over to him. He just adds to the top. Sometimes I swear the dog walks by and says, "Is this guy serious?".

He makes corny jokes that only he laughs at. I don't think I have once laughed at one of his jokes. Usually I leave the room when he starts talking. That has never stopped him from finishing any of his jokes. He just keeps on and eventually you'll here a giggle, that's a sign the joke is over.

He has no friends. No exaggeration! Just ask him.

He wears two shirts and a sweatshirt in the Summertime. I could see if we were in WA, but this is Las Vegas. "Home of the Summer average of 115 degrees". He complains constantly about how hot it is. Go figure!

The list could go on and on, but I'm close to falling asleep and the more I type the madder I get. I could go next door and smother him with a pillow, but what good would that do for me. I'd end up in some jail laying next to some guy named Bubba, while he's at home eating my damn food. For now I'll keep quiet, but know that I'll be secretly plotting my revenge. Maybe I've already implemented some things, who knows? I'll never tell.


Mo said...

OMFG! I about spit egg white omlette all over my desk when I read "food bandit".

You leave Murphy out of this you hear? He's nothing but a sweet innocent doggie and the butthead may take his aggression out on him when you unleash your wrath.

Pier 1 candles are da bomb!

I am so very proud and impressed you have lasted this long with him.

My OCD would have driven me up the crazy wall and I have a feeling I would have up and bitch slapped him by now.

fiwa said...

Uh, I consider myself pretty easy to get along with, but I would have gone postal on his ass by now.

Slick said...

Geeeezus, the dude sounds like he needs a class on basic hygiene!


I'd be begging for a confrontation too, Ace!

Brad said...

I'll see your dickishness and raise you....

Nair hair removal works well in a pair of tighty-whities and/or jock strap

If he has his own phone, call 'time' in Toyko and set the phone down.

Sign him up for a subscription to Cross-Dressers Monthly. Leave them around the apartment.

I got more if you need.


Ace C said...

lol. those are good ones brad. i'll have to try those out.

kimmyk said...

omg. i was all dang ace, fuss much???

but...if that's what he does, then i dont blame ya one bit. i mean, yeah...i couldn't handle it..especially the computer area being all gross.

maybe y'all need to just pack his shit and put it on the lawn? or set it on fire....

CrystalChick said...

I'm not sure how I found Fiwa, but thru her I stumbled over to Mo's blog and she said in her last post that we should visit YOU. So here I am. Kevin Bacon is lurking around here somewhere.
GREAT RANT! Your roomie is in for some serious retaliation. I think I'll have to stop back again and see what happens. ;)

Nice to meet you.

....You Sick Bastard said...

I think it's time for operation prank the mofo. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Turn his bed into a waterbed. Stuff his pillow with tacos. Fake a robbery when he's by himself to scare the shit out of him. Push him down a flight of stairs.

Some helpful ideas, maybe scratch the first or last two, whichever seems a little too far, but he'll get the message.

Ace C said...

Thanks for all the reads folks.

Paolo said...

I would kindly put his dirty dishes and his trash in his room on his bed and shut the door. (invest in some rubber gloves first)

I would lace some of your favorite goodies (that are also his favorite goodies) with the hotest hot sauce you can find. and I'm not talking no Paris Hilton "Hot".

If that's not enough anyone who plays World of Warcraft needs to get their ass kicked anyhow.